Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

It's natural to avoid pain--that protection mechanism is built directly into the human brain. BUT, "pain avoidance" often creates and then feeds Addiction. And it can also keep us trapped in Betrayal Trauma.

In this episode, Mark and Steve talk about HOW to STOP avoiding pain and actually start Embracing and Learning from it! Perhaps pain is the solution you've been searching for.

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about healing Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Want to learn more about HOW to break free from porn?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

How can you "heal" your marriage relationship?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/how-to-mend-your-marriage

In this episode, Mark and Steve address the questions and concerns of one of the PBSE podcast listeners. As the spouse of an addict in recovery, this listener brings up the very legitimate concern—

As a sexual addict in recovery, should my husband be having an "attraction and chemistry" toward other women? How can he possibly do this without crossing the line into lust, fantasy, relapse and adding to the already deep and painful Betrayal Trauma I feel?

Mark and Steve talk openly about HOW to separate normal, human "attraction" from "lust" and "addiction"—Where is the CEAR line? What expectations and BOUNDARIES should the spouse of a sex addict have? How does an addict honor these boundaries and keep a close watch on his true "intentions"? 


Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about healing Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Want to learn more about HOW to break free from porn?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

How can you "heal" your marriage relationship?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/how-to-mend-your-marriage

What happens when there is a "Pornography Addiction Relapse"?

The Fallout of Relapse—

For the Addict:  Hopelessness, shame, resignation, apathy, "Eeyore mode"—emotional volatility and variability.

For the Spouse:  Often forced to be the absolver and confessor—she feels like she must set aside her pain to be there for him, or feel like she is insensitive for taking care of her own needs.

For the Couple:  Often left feeling hopeless, exhausted and less motivated/energized to recommit and try again.

Breaking the Cycle of Relapse—

For the Addict:  Showing up from a place of proactivity, accountability and transparency. Learning "shame resiliency." NOT waiting to be asked about relapse; reaching out to people other than a spouse for support; rather than just saying "I'm sorry" to a spouse, present and then ACT on a plan to move forward.

For the Spouse:  Setting and enforcing boundaries; taking personal space as needed; detaching with love; reaching out to your own support system (other than your husband).

For the Couple:  Meeting in the middle; making "sincere" amends; collaboration on a plan going forward to prevent future relapses. 


Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about healing Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Want to learn more about HOW to break free from porn?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

How can you "heal" your marriage relationship?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/how-to-mend-your-marriage

-  Learn how to “let go” of Your Spouse’s Healing

-  Instead of focusing on what she is or is not doing—put all your energy into YOUR recovery.

-  You can’t “undo” trauma or “fix” your spouse. The best thing you CAN do is CHOOSE to break free from addiction.

-  The best chance to “save your marriage” is to work your own recovery!

-  Clear Setting AND Adherence to Boundaries is essential—it’s the ONLY way to make consistent forward progress.

-  “Hard things” do NOT justify abandoning boundaries and going back to “old ways”—back to “victimhood.”

-  Look out for “complacency” when things are going well.

-  Individual paths of recovery and healing will bring you back to a connected, joyful marriage path.

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about healing Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Want to learn more about HOW to break free from porn?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

How can you "heal" your marriage relationship?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/how-to-mend-your-marriage

Addiction and Betrayal Trauma can easily plunge us into the "Victim Trap"! In this dark place, it is nearly impossible to progress on our paths of recovery and healing. In in episode which is "Part One," Mark and Steve discuss—

-  How being distracted by your "partner's stuff" and drained by his or her issues leaves you no energy to work on your own stuff.

-  In being a "victim" you give away power over your own happiness.

-  Why the Victim Trap throws us into a cycle of perpetual hopelessness.

-  Basing your "inner peace" on his "external actions" = Endless Frustration!

-  Staying stuck in the Victim Trap will eventually lead to a bitter divorce—AND—you'll simply carriage your "emotional luggage" into the next relationship!

-  One of the first steps to breaking out of the Victim Trap is "Healthy, Accurate ACCOUNTABILITY"!

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about healing Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Want to learn more about HOW to break free from porn?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

How can you "heal" your marriage relationship?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/how-to-mend-your-marriage

Two of the BIG questions we hear a LOT from recovering porn/sex addicts is:  "How do I get her to trust me again?" and "How do I trust her?" In this episode Mark and Steve get raw and practical about the answers to these critical questions—

How do I regain her trust?

• The basis for your spouse trusting you again involves YOU developing consistency in several areas of recovery—not just sobriety. 
• There is NO way to MAKE her trust you, so QUIT pressuring her! "Neediness" will NEVER develop trust!
• Your wife needs you to be a SUPPORT in her healing—learn how. 
• Be accountable for YOUR role in her PAIN. 

How do I trust her?

• Validating your own pain and shame is a CRUCIAL first step. 
• You have to LET GO of the "shoulds" about how and when to trust. 
• Let go of any lingering responsibility for her recovery, trauma responses, future choices, etc. 
• In some respects, the LESS you need the relationship, the MORE you will be able to trust it. 
• Work on your own healing—knowing YOU will be OK regardless of what she decides, will allow YOU to show up in the relationship again. 
• Trust is a CHOICE. At the end of the day, only YOU can make that decision.  

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

How can you "heal" your marriage relationship?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/how-to-mend-your-marriage

Want to learn more about HOW to break free from porn?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

Discovering your spouse has a porn/sex addiction triggers Betrayal Trauma and SHATTERS trust! HOW can you ever get to the place where you can "trust him again"? Mark and Steve share insights from their own marriages and their experiences helping women and couples over the last 20 years—

• Validating your own PAIN is a crucial first step
• True empathy from your addicted spouse is ESSENTIAL!
• You need to let go fo the "shoulds" regarding how and when to trust
• Learn to LET GO of any lingering responsibility for his addiction, deception or future choices. 
• The basis for "trusting again" is the process of the addict developing consistency in behaviors and attitudes in ALL areas of recovery—NOT just sobriety. 
• In some respects, the LESS you "need" the relationship, the more you will be able to trust it! 
• Working your own healing and knowing you will be OK by yourself, is what empowers you to "show up" in the relationship again. 
• TRUST is a CHOICE. At the end of the day, only YOU can make that decision. 

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about healing Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Here's why a husband's porn addiction is NOT his wife's fault!—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/his-porn-addiction-not-your-fault

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

How can you "heal" your marriage relationship?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/how-to-mend-your-marriage

For any relationship to last and thrive, there must be "boundaries." This is especially true when you're dealing with Porn Addiction and Betrayal Trauma! In this episode, Mark and Steve talk raw and open about "boundaries in the marriage relationship"—

• If we love each other, why do we need boundaries? Love shouldn't be restricted-right? WRONG!  Love is NOT love unless it's "boundaried." 
• Isn't setting and enforcing boundaries exhausting? It's FAR more exhausting in on the long run NOT to have them!
• How exactly do you begin setting boundaries? What are the key components to good, healthy boundaries?
• Boundaries are NOT "punishments in disguise"!  They are a "love map" to guide you on the path to true connection and happiness with your partner. 
• How do you hold and enforce boundaries when your partner doesn't respect them? 

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

What is the difference between "True Intimacy" and "sex" in a marriage relationship?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/true-intimacy-vs-sex-in-marriage

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

How can you "heal" your marriage relationship?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/how-to-mend-your-marriage

Ready to STOP Keeping Secrets in your marriage?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/no-more-secrets-in-your-marriage

This episode is "Part Two" of the interview with Todd, a former Mark and Steve client, who tells his raw and real story of recovery from Sex and Porn Addiction.

In this second half of the interview, Todd talks about how he moved from "ME" in addiction to "WE" in real recovery—How to shift your attitude from "me-centered" to "we-centered" and build the support network that is CRUCIAL to lasting recovery.

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Want to learn more about HOW to break free from porn?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

Wondering IF you have an actual "porn addiction"?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/are-you-addicted-to-porn

Ever wonder WHY LDS men suffer so much shame from porn use?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/lds-porn-addiction-help

In this episode, Mark and Steve address an issue submitted by a PBSE listener—

 Hi Guys!  My husband loves your podcast.  It's the only he will listen to openly.  I loved your topic today "Healthy Sex vs. Toxic Sex in Marriage."  You talked about lust and I found that topic to be very relatable.  Is it possible to discuss how lusting can cause issues in a marriage?  From the partner's perspective, it's broken down my trust in him and his motivations.  I recoil from his touch because I don't know if I am triggering the "beast".  His hyper-sexual needs have led me to be disgusted by his touch and causes me to want to avoid both it and him.

If your marriage relationship is filled with too much "lust-based-sex," aka, "The Beast"—learn HOW to move into the beautiful and amazing realm of REAL INTIMACY!


Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

What is the difference between "True Intimacy" and "sex" in a marriage relationship?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/true-intimacy-vs-sex-in-marriage

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

How can you "heal" your marriage relationship?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/how-to-mend-your-marriage

Ready to STOP Keeping Secrets in your marriage?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/no-more-secrets-in-your-marriage