Heal First Then Pick Your Life Partner: Relational Recovery When You Have CPTSD

Why is shedding limiting beliefs crucial for personal growth within partnerships?

Tanner discusses strategies to enhance marriages and life partnerships by encouraging individuals to discard limiting beliefs, fostering personal growth, and improving communication. Dr. Tanner Wallace highlights the importance of gaining clarity and making wise decisions, particularly for high-achieving women, in navigating cooperative partnerships. By focusing on personal accountability and understanding interaction dynamics, individuals can transform their relationships, positively influencing marital satisfaction. Engaging in self-discovery through reflection on past activities can help individuals align actions with personal values, leading to better decision-making and enhanced well-being. Tanner also stresses the significance of forming a supportive "Safe Peeps Committee" and setting clear boundaries to ensure emotional safety and break free from dysfunctional relationship patterns.

The "CK Marriage Methodology" is an innovative approach designed to strengthen marital and life partnerships by encouraging individuals to transcend limiting beliefs and enhance personal growth and communication skills. According to Dr. Tanner Wallace, the methodology is particularly valuable for high-achieving women, as it emphasizes the importance of gaining clarity and making wise decisions to foster cooperative and satisfying partnerships. Tanner's perspective is shaped by her belief in personal accountability and interaction dynamics, advocating for self-discovery and reflection to align actions with personal values. 

Quotes

(00:01:14) "What I want for each one of you is that you create new pathways, new spaces, new perspectives, new insights that will allow you to discard the limiting beliefs that are hanging over you like a negative storm cloud." - Tanner

(00:08:29) "Researchers say that you have bad data that goes into your model. The findings are going to be inaccurate or invalid. It's the same with interactions." - Tanner

(00:17:33) "You may not have a fully developed self concept, and you may not have a self image that reflects reality. You may not have a self worth that places enough value on you as a human. And you might have this idealized sense of self that leaves you always feeling like you're falling short."  - Tanner

(00:24:13) "People who use their strengths more often on more days are 18 times more likely to be flourishing than those who are not using their strengths." - Tanner

(00:26:28) "After you've done both the Values in Action survey, you can look back over the last four weeks of your calendar and the question I would have for you is what proportion of activities or events were aligned with your strengths or enjoyments? And over time, start saying yes to things that align and no to things that don't." - Tanner

(00:36:33) "I had developed such a narrative that I was not good at relationships because it was what I had heard so clearly in my childhood and adolescence that that narrative was just driven into my head." - Tanner

(00:40:32) "You are worthy of love and attention. You are worthy of having your needs taken seriously, and being met, and you deserve a partner who can create a shared life of health and well-being." - Tanner

Key TakeAways

- Efforts made to improve marriages and life partnerships are acknowledged, emphasizing the loyalty and dedication of individuals.

- New pathways and perspectives are emphasized to discard limiting beliefs hindering personal growth within partnerships.

- Clear communication and understanding the interaction effect in relationships are key to improving marital satisfaction.

- Self-awareness through self-discovery helps individuals align with personal preferences, values, and strengths.

- Forming a Safe Peeps Committee is highlighted as essential for validation, support, and emotional safety in relationships.

- Setting boundaries, confidently expressing needs, shedding limiting beliefs, and valuing oneself are emphasized for building healthy relationships.

Actionable Insights

- Create new pathways and perspectives to discard limiting beliefs in partnerships

- Gain clarity and make wise decisions in relationships by assessing needs and communicating effectively

- Focus on personal progress and clear communication to improve marital satisfaction

- Reflect on past activities to identify personal likes and dislikes for self-discovery

- Form a Safe Peeps Committee with trusted individuals to establish healthy relationships

- Set boundaries and confidently express needs in relationships to prioritize building healthy relationships

00:00:44 - Transformation Journey Effort

Tanner discusses the efforts made to improve marriages and life partnerships, acknowledging the loyalty and dedication of individuals in trying to keep their relationships intact. She emphasizes creating new pathways and perspectives to discard limiting beliefs that may hinder personal growth within a partnership. Through the journey, Tanner aims to help individuals gain clarity, make wise decisions, and build a fulfilling life while addressing the challenges high-achieving women face in cooperative partnerships. By focusing on personal progress, clear communication, and understanding the interaction effect in relationships, the transformation journey aims to shift dynamics and improve marital satisfaction.

00:07:18 - Clarity and Wise Decisions

Dr. Tanner Wallace emphasizes gaining clarity and making wise decisions in relationships, encouraging individuals to assess their needs and communicate effectively with their partners. By acknowledging the challenges high-achieving individuals face in partnerships and providing tools for personal growth, he aims to help participants navigate their relationships with purpose. Through reflection, data gathering, and resource research, individuals are guided towards eliminating destructive stress and toxic patterns to build healthier relationships. By focusing on personal accountability and understanding interaction dynamics, participants are empowered to take proactive steps towards improving their relationships.

00:12:32 - Marriage Satisfaction

Marriage satisfaction is influenced by an interaction effect between two individuals. Beliefs about marriage can impact satisfaction levels, with achieving affirmation and belonging through connection and intimacy leading to a more fulfilling partnership. It is important for each individual to take responsibility for their actions in the relationship, as waiting for the partner to change or placing blame does not contribute to a healthy dynamic. By focusing on self-improvement and effective communication of needs, individuals can positively influence the interaction effect in their marriage and work towards a more satisfying relationship.

00:25:04 - Self-Discovery Through Activities

Engaging in significant, sustained activities can lead to self-discovery by identifying personal likes and dislikes. By reflecting on past activities and evaluating what was enjoyed and disliked, individuals can uncover patterns that align with their values and strengths. This self-awareness can guide decision-making in daily life, leading to a greater alignment with personal preferences and strengths. Through this process of self-exploration, individuals can develop a clearer understanding of their ideal self and make choices that enhance their self-worth and overall well-being.

00:32:05 - Creating a Safe Peeps Committee

Tanner emphasizes the significance of forming a Safe Peeps Committee, a group of trusted individuals who offer validation, support, and emotional safety. These individuals support you in facing challenges, ask open-ended questions, and do not prioritize their needs over yours. Surrounding yourself with safe and trustworthy individuals helps establish a healthy model for relationships and break free from dysfunctional patterns. It is advised to limit interaction with emotionally unsafe individuals, even if they are family members, to prioritize emotional and psychological well-being.

00:38:05 - Setting Boundaries

Tanner talks about the importance of setting boundaries and confidently expressing needs in relationships. He shares how his struggles with this led to dysfunctional communication patterns. Tanner emphasizes the need to shed limiting beliefs, communicate effectively, and prioritize building healthy relationships by valuing oneself and one's needs.

Eliminating Stress and Toxic Patterns in Marriages: A Personalized Approach

In this first episode of Season 2, Tanner provides tailored support for high-achieving women, helping them bridge the gap between professional success and personal fulfillment through a unique transformation journey. This journey includes building a supportive community where women can share experiences and gain clarity and wisdom in their relationships. Dr. Tanner Wallace's 19-week "Marriage is Hard" podcast series aims to empower women by providing educational insights and encouraging personal growth, leveraging past challenges as sources of motivation. This 19-week program focuses on eliminating stress and toxic patterns in marriages, offering customized learning activities for personal relationship enhancement.  Tanner emphasizes the importance of creating "love houses"—safe, fulfilling spaces within marriages—and encourage self-reflection and intentional growth for high-achieving women seeking healthier partnerships.

In today's fast-paced world, high-achieving women often find themselves excelling in their careers and personal pursuits, yet they may encounter challenges in achieving fulfillment within their intimate relationships. Tanner offers a unique perspective on this by providing tailored support that bridges the often-encountered gap between professional success and personal contentment. Her insights are shaped by the understanding that these women, despite their numerous accomplishments like choosing their partners, earning advanced degrees, and building successful careers, can still struggle in their personal lives. Tanner emphasizes that their high level of competence in professional settings should be mirrored in their personal relationships, and she aims to guide them through a transformation journey that harnesses past challenges as sources of motivation. By building a community of empowered women who embrace connection and intentional growth, Tanner hopes to foster environments where strong, loving relationships can thrive.

00:00:01 - High Achieving Women Support

Tanner highlights the exclusive support tailored for high achieving women, acknowledging their professional competence but recognizing the personal struggles they may face. The transformation journey she offers is a gifted and talented version of marriage support designed to bridge the gap between professional success and personal fulfillment. Through her understanding of the unique challenges high achieving women encounter, Tanner aims to guide them in building strong foundations personally while excelling professionally. By prioritizing high-level coaching and encouraging commitment to the journey, Tanner empowers these women to overcome past failures and struggles, using them as a source of wisdom and motivation for transformative growth.

00:00:45 - High Achieving Women Community

Tanner aims to build a community of empowered, high-achieving women who support each other through a transformation journey. Tanner emphasizes the importance of creating a Love House filled with love, connection, and belonging, highlighting the significance of well-being in one's primary partnership. This exclusive journey for high-achieving women focuses on moving from confusion to clarity, guided by Tanner's personalized approach tailored to individuals who excel professionally but struggle personally. Through relationship coaching, Tanner aims to help women achieve their desired love house life by leveraging past failures as a source of wisdom and motivation.

00:03:10 - Educational Series on Marriage

Dr. Tanner Wallace has launched the Marriage is Hard podcast platform as a 19-week educational series for high achieving women looking to improve their marriages. By sharing her personal experiences and educational background, Dr. Wallace aims to help women overcome relationship challenges and build fulfilling relationships. She encourages listeners to join the Instagram community @cptsdmedicine, follow the content, and subscribe to the podcast for weekly transformational episodes. Dr. Wallace's dedication to empowering women to prioritize their well-being and relationships highlights the importance of creating a supportive network to navigate the complexities of marriage.

00:15:52 - Transformation Journey

Tanner introduces a 19-week Transformation Journey program focused on eliminating the root causes of destructive stress and toxic fight patterns within marriages. The program offers scaffolded learning activities to provide participants with a customized knowledge base for daily application. Participants gain clarity and wisdom about their relationships, aiming to make informed decisions and improve their marriages. The program targets high-achieving individuals looking to transform their personal lives and create healthier partnerships.

00:22:27 - Intimate Relationship Coaching

Tanner highlights the importance of intimate relationship coaching for high achieving women, emphasizing the need to build Love Houses and connection in their marriages. She acknowledges the hard work these women have put in various aspects of their lives but points out that their intimate relationships may be the one area they struggle with. Tanner offers a transformation journey tailored specifically for high achieving women, providing them with the tools and support needed to navigate their relationships successfully. By committing to the 19-week journey, these women can gain clarity, wisdom, and ultimately, create the love-filled connections they desire.

00:40:01 - Preparation for Transformation Journey

Tanner emphasizes the importance of preparations and slowing down to create space and time for embracing the transformation journey. In episode two of the podcast, Tanner encourages listeners to engage in self-reflection and journaling. Listeners are instructed to document their journey through colors and selfies, while also starting a journal to explore confusion within their marriages. By providing prompts and guidance, Tanner sets the stage for a transformative experience, highlighting the value of introspection and personal growth in building fulfilling relationships and well-being. Participants are urged to invest in themselves and their journey towards clarity and wisdom in their marriages.

Actionable Take Aways:

Prioritize high-level coaching for personal and professional growth

- Encourage commitment to the transformation journey

- Leverage past failures as a source of wisdom and motivation

- Create a supportive network to navigate the complexities of marriage

- Engage in self-reflection and journaling for personal growth

- Invest in the journey towards clarity and wisdom in relationships

Hello love ❤️

We found each other.

This podcast has such a tender place in my heart. When I hit record back in the late spring, early summer of 2020, I had no idea the journey that would unfold in front of me. This podcast is essentially an audio diary of my own evolution and growth over the months I have hosted it.  

Along the way, there have been high moments and low moments of healing in the public eye, lessons and celebrations for creating potent containers for transformation, and breakthroughs in my and my clients’ CPTSD recovery so profound I cannot even put them into words. 

Through all of this, the mission is clear: “Create a precise map for permanent CPTSD healing.” 

And so, I continue walking,  and it just keeps getting better and better in my world. 

If you want to know me more intimately, come join me on IG @heldbytanner and @cptsdmedicine or on Facebook @heldbytanner. 

If you would like to receive an email each time I am selling a healing container or coaching experience, you can opt-in to my “Shop With Tanner” email list here:

https://www.heldbytanner.com/heldbytanner-opt-in

Sending you love…so much love. Recovery from CPTSD is no joke. AND you absolutely CAN do it (more quickly than you might imagine at this very moment.)

Hello love ❤️

We found each other.

This podcast has such a tender place in my heart. When I hit record back in the late spring, early summer of 2020, I had no idea the journey that would unfold in front of me. This podcast is essentially an audio diary of my own evolution and growth over the months I have hosted it.  

Along the way, there have been high moments and low moments of healing in the public eye, lessons and celebrations for creating potent containers for transformation, and breakthroughs in my and my clients’ CPTSD recovery so profound I cannot even put them into words. 

Through all of this, the mission is clear: “Create a precise map for permanent CPTSD healing.” 

And so, I continue walking,  and it just keeps getting better and better in my world. 

If you want to know me more intimately, come join me on IG @heldbytanner and @cptsdmedicine or on Facebook @heldbytanner. 

If you would like to receive an email each time I am selling a healing container or coaching experience, you can opt-in to my “Shop With Tanner” email list here:

https://www.heldbytanner.com/heldbytanner-opt-in

Sending you love…so much love. Recovery from CPTSD is no joke. AND you absolutely CAN do it (more quickly than you might imagine at this very moment.)

Hello love ❤️

We found each other.

This podcast has such a tender place in my heart. When I hit record back in the late spring, early summer of 2020, I had no idea the journey that would unfold in front of me. This podcast is essentially an audio diary of my own evolution and growth over the months I have hosted it.  

Along the way, there have been high moments and low moments of healing in the public eye, lessons and celebrations for creating potent containers for transformation, and breakthroughs in my and my clients’ CPTSD recovery so profound I cannot even put them into words. 

Through all of this, the mission is clear: “Create a precise map for permanent CPTSD healing.” 

And so, I continue walking,  and it just keeps getting better and better in my world. 

If you want to know me more intimately, come join me on IG @heldbytanner and @cptsdmedicine or on Facebook @heldbytanner. 

If you would like to receive an email each time I am selling a healing container or coaching experience, you can opt-in to my “Shop With Tanner” email list here:

https://www.heldbytanner.com/heldbytanner-opt-in

Sending you love…so much love. Recovery from CPTSD is no joke. AND you absolutely CAN do it (more quickly than you might imagine at this very moment.)

EEKKK!!!!! 

The current version of me listening to this (01.24) listening to the Old Version of me recording this episode (08.20) wants to shake here and be like “Wake up. Pick up your power. And don’t be so f*cking weak.” 

Yikes. 

Okay - a reset into compassion. This version of me was feeling so confused and overwhelmed by why and how her second marriage that was supposed to be fantasy was turning out to be another nightmare. At this point in my journey, I still thought everything was “my fault” and that the answer to my problems was resided with “some expert.” 

There’s also this protective energy that I sense now so clearly that Matt and I needed to be okay, be the example, be the model. “See we’ve got it figured out. It is safe to follow me and listen to me.” 

Those of you familiar with Human Design, will understand this was me out-of-alignment with my 5 Line due to all the unresolved Protective Part energy and lineage burdens running through and around me. I knew I had a source of powerful influence but I did not yet understand its origins or how to share it safely. So, I defaulted to an implicit “we’ve got this figured out” with a clear lack of humility and honesty.

I was not a bad person or even way off in the core of what I was presenting - Matt and I did and do have a developmental relationship and we have been willing to evolve in order to be the kind of humans that can hold a healthy, long-term partnership. 

It is just that I did not yet trust that it was okay to be authentic. In fact, I didn’t not even know what True Self authenticity was - I would have believed back then that I “WAS” being authentic - yet, Protective Parts were the ones masquerading as my authentic self. The soft, deferential voice, the dramatic phrasing … whew… or the distraction-oriented laughter masking discomfort. 

Compassion. Compassion. Compassion. 

What you also hear in this episode is Matt orienting towards openness towards vulnerability within oneself that requires admitting one’s contribution to what is happening. Moving away from the, “only if my partner would…” He uses the term “Internal Humility” - which is a powerful way of describing Self Leadership. 

This episode does not include a Parts Work perspective which became central to our understanding of how we were relating to each other and what we each brought to the table. 

If you would like to be on the distribution list for our monthly newsletter, The Calling, you can opt - in using the Google Form linked below:

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Come find me on Instagram, YouTube, and Facebook with these links

https://www.instagram.com/cptsdmedicine/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCENSh3xjxPOXalr3vEsQOZQ

https://www.facebook.com/CPTSDMedicine

“How did we get here?” Oh my, yes. That is a question many partners ask before they fully understand Protective Part energy and CPTSD. 

This episode is not going to answer that question, at least in the ways three plus years later into a CPTSD Recovery journey, I can now answer this question (at the time I am re-writing this show note.) 

One thing I did have right even back then, however, was how it all came down to TRUST. 

That was a truth I was speaking back then and now. Trust is foundational to any relationship that is going to be a strong enough “container” for CPTSD Recovery work and/or long-term viability. 

I notice how distant I am to you the listener in this episode - prepared for sure, but separate in some fundamental way. I am showing up but I am not really “there.” This is me still in a dissociative state performing being alive, but not really in my body running Self Energy. 

Dr. Sullivan talks about witnessing and validating the presence of anger - giving it space. What she is talking about here directly connects to what I talk about in Season 11 of the podcast - not giving any Protective Part energy a big story or taking it literally. Internal Family Systems practitioners will often say something like, “You cannot validate a Part enough.” Dr. Sullivan is not using Parts language but it maps on pretty cleanly. 

Where IFS and Emotionally Focused Therapy diverge, however, is how would resolve the presence of angry energy. 

And to add another layer, the deeper I understand CycleBreaking as a way of being in the world, I would note that running anger through your body on behalf of your ancestors and The Collective, can be a powerful personal practice. 

Dr. Sullivan talks about the chain reaction of Protective Part energy and how off-track Parts’-driven interactions drive negative cycles of interaction especially the “withdraw” and “pursue” responses of Protective Parts. 

She does an incredible job of describing typical Protective Parts’ thought processing patterns and how primitive attachment needs are driving so many dysregulated reactions to a partner’s behavior.

I state at some point in the episode how confusing I find trust. This made me smile. Once I understood the six energies of CPTSD, it all fell into place. It made complete sense. 

If you would like to be on the distribution list for our monthly newsletter, The Calling, you can opt - in using the Google Form linked below:

https://forms.gle/3k1x8UjkLSR2wNMu7

Come find me on Instagram, YouTube, and Facebook with these links

https://www.instagram.com/cptsdmedicine/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCENSh3xjxPOXalr3vEsQOZQ

https://www.facebook.com/CPTSDMedicine

Hello love ❤️

We found each other.

This podcast has such a tender place in my heart. When I hit record back in the late spring, early summer of 2020, I had no idea the journey that would unfold in front of me. This podcast is essentially an audio diary of my own evolution and growth over the months I have hosted it.  

Along the way, there have been high moments and low moments of healing in the public eye, lessons and celebrations for creating potent containers for transformation, and breakthroughs in my and my clients’ CPTSD recovery so profound I cannot even put them into words. 

Through all of this, the mission is clear: “Create a precise map for permanent CPTSD healing.” 

And so, I continue walking,  and it just keeps getting better and better in my world. 

If you want to know me more intimately, come join me on IG @heldbytanner and @cptsdmedicine or on Facebook @heldbytanner. 

If you would like to receive an email each time I am selling a healing container or coaching experience, you can opt-in to my “Shop With Tanner” email list here:

https://www.heldbytanner.com/heldbytanner-opt-in

Sending you love…so much love. Recovery from CPTSD is no joke. AND you absolutely CAN do it (more quickly than you might imagine at this very moment.)

Hello my love!!!! We’re connected. We found each other! 

Let’s deepen our connection. Come find me on IG  https://www.instagram.com/heldbytanner/ and Facebook https://www.facebook.com/heldbytanner 

Want information on my healing containers delivered straight to your email inbox? Join my Offer Insider List here:

https://www.relationalhealinglab.com/relational-healing-lab-offers-opt-in

I’m so grateful The Universe connected us! Welcome to my world! 

Hello love ❤️

We found each other.

This podcast has such a tender place in my heart. When I hit record back in the late spring, early summer of 2020, I had no idea the journey that would unfold in front of me. This podcast is essentially an audio diary of my own evolution and growth over the months I have hosted it.  

Along the way, there have been high moments and low moments of healing in the public eye, lessons and celebrations for creating potent containers for transformation, and breakthroughs in my and my clients’ CPTSD recovery so profound I cannot even put them into words. 

Through all of this, the mission is clear: “Create a precise map for permanent CPTSD healing.” 

And so, I continue walking,  and it just keeps getting better and better in my world. 

If you want to know me more intimately, come join me on IG @heldbytanner and @cptsdmedicine or on Facebook @heldbytanner. 

If you would like to receive an email each time I am selling a healing container or coaching experience, you can opt-in to my “Shop With Tanner” email list here:

https://www.heldbytanner.com/heldbytanner-opt-in

Sending you love…so much love. Recovery from CPTSD is no joke. AND you absolutely CAN do it (more quickly than you might imagine at this very moment.)