Heal First Then Pick Your Life Partner: Relational Recovery When You Have CPTSD

Hello my love!!!! We’re connected. We found each other! 

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I’m so grateful The Universe connected us! Welcome to my world! 

Hello my love!!!! We’re connected. We found each other! 

Let’s deepen our connection. Come find me on IG  https://www.instagram.com/heldbytanner/ and Facebook https://www.facebook.com/heldbytanner 

Want information on my healing containers delivered straight to your email inbox? Join my Offer Insider List here:

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I’m so grateful The Universe connected us! Welcome to my world!

Oh my. This episode is so hard for me to listen to…

This episode was recorded and released in May 2020 with my second husband and current partner. We’ve been co-leading a blended family of four children since 2017. 

Not surprisingly, the first season of this podcast, I focused on other humans sharing their stories of marriage and relationships without much intentionality from me about how and why their stories would be relevant to you all. 

I have archived all but four Season 1 episodes.

We all start somewhere in our content creator journey for sure - and our first content is always not as good as our most recent content, but I also notice this absence of the “regard for our relationship” meaning my consideration of you as a specific human being listening to the podcast. 

This lack of regard didn’t mean I was a “bad human” it just means that I was in the Selfish State of being a human with CPTSD. Developmentally stuck in a child-like state of a nearly exclusive focus on what I wanted and my perspectives. I could not yet entertain the more mature, expansive perspective of “for me, for you, for us.” I wanted a podcast on marriage and so I created one - out of context with an actual real relationship with a set of listeners. This is so fascinating to me looking back.

I did not ask Matt tough questions - because I did not know how to ask those kinds of questions, and I did not yet hold an “equal personal power” with him. I sensed he was the one with a life that made sense, with wisdom worth sharing, the one with his “act together.” I was just there to listen and take notes, and be grateful I got included. 

Now, in Season 11 as I rewrite these shownotes, I would record a very, very different episode with Matt. So, so different. And he would sound different and say different things. We’ve lived a lifetime in 3+ years. That’s what CPTSD Recovery grants your partnership - a complete reboot on every level - individually and collectively.

Relistening to this episode now in January 2024, I notice how artificial, and stilted-sounding my voice is.

There are nerves, anxiety, and uncertainty running from one Protective Part that was terrified to show up in this way and also a pushy “BE THE EXPERT” running from another Protective Part that also drove me beyond my comfort and preparedness level is a very disempowering “this is your only chance at survival way.” 

I have so much compassion for the Older Version of me running all that Protective Part energy while recording this episode and launching this podcast. She had not yet been introduced to CPTSD or Parts Work. 

What I also noticed is how disconnected I sound from the content - I am saying big words, but I don’t “feel” those words in my body as I say them. At the time this was recorded, I was still hovering outside of my body, my awareness…everything was happening in my mind in this episode. I’ve gone into “performance mode” for an imaginary audience of humans that will judge and critique my worthiness and value. 

What a journey CPTSD Recovery is. This episode is a starting point data point. 

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Key Concepts
Transition to Parenthood (TTP): The state of life after the birth of the first child
Marital Satisfaction: An individual’s assessment of the perceived benefits and costs of marriage to a particular person
Adaptive Skills: Skills used in our everyday life to meet our basic needs
Positive Problem Solving: Communication skills for negotiating solutions to specific challenges that avoid negative talk or counterproductive reactions
Relational Humility: possessing an accurate view of oneself, a humble portrayal of oneself to others, and a perspective that is more focused on others rather than on oneself

Websites, Resources, and Ideas Mentioned
Gottman Institute’s Seven Principles
Gottman Institute’s Four Horsemen
Love Bucket
Dr. Karl Pillemer’s Research
Tanner’s Post About Being Married to a Divorced Man

Research Studies Informing the Recap
The transition to parenthood: impact on couples’ romantic relationships; Doss, B., & Rhoades, G.

Perceived partner humility predicts subjective stress during transition to parenthood; Ripley, J. S., Garthe, R. C., Perkins, A., Worthington, E. L., Jr., Davis, D. E., Hook, J. N., Reid, C., Van Tongeren, D. R., Dwiwardani, C., Ord, A., Fennell, M., & Eaves, D.

The transition to parenthood as a critical window for adult health; Saxbe, D., Rossin-Slater, M., & Goldenberg, D.

The Dyadic Effects of Supportive Coparenting and Parental Stress on Relationship Quality Across the Transition to Parenthood; Durtschi, J., Soloski, K., & Kimmes, J.

Marital satisfaction across the transition to parenthood: Three eras of research; Lawrence, E., Rothman, A. D., Cobb, R. J., & Bradbury, T. N.

From Partnership to Parenthood: A Review of Marital Change Across the Transition to Parenthood; Kluwer E.S.