No Visible Bruises

This week I want to talk to you about judgement from the Internal Family Systems and parts therapy perspective. We’ll go over what judgement really is and what questions you can ask yourself to get to the root of judgement both towards yourself and towards other people, including the narcissist.

What You Will Learn In This Episode: 


• How to look at judgement as one of the parts in our system
• The protective role of judgement
• The wounded younger parts hiding under someone’s judgemental behaviour
• Three questions to ask yourself when you recognise judgement in yourself
• How to approach judgement with compassion and curiosity

It is definitely not pleasant to be on the receiving end of somebody else’s judgment, but I’m also inviting you to check in with yourself. How much are you judging other people? Because that's just a protector part showing up to protect you from your wounded younger parts.

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

This week we talk about the possibility of curing a narcissist, and what we can do to make our situation better. Is it possible at all to get beyond their protector parts, and heal that wounded inner child that is responsible for their narcissistic behaviour?  

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- What the real chances are of curing a narcissist

- How a covert narcissist turns things around and gaslights us

- The lack of ownership and of sense of responsibility in narcissists

- The difficulty of helping someone who thinks they don’t need help

- How to be compassionate towards the narcissist and still keep them accountable for their behaviour

As narcissists are a product of a childhood trauma, it is okay to be compassionate and empathetic. We need to accept that it is impossible to help someone who doesn't acknowledge they need help. 

Resources:

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

Today we talk about a pivotal moment in our relationship with a narcissist - what happens when they know we know? What is their reaction when we let them know we know who and what they are? Is it a good idea to let them know that? Let's find out.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• The similarity between starting point of narcissists and codependents
• How to release the legacy burden that we’ve got from our parents 
• What happens when the protector parts cover the narcissist's true self
• The effects of highlighting a narcissist's inner wounds

When we confront a narcissist with the truth about who they are, we force them to face their younger wounded parts. That makes their system go into overdrive, and their protector parts become an army pointing all their guns at us. We must ignore that and focus on our recovery and healing OUR wounded parts. 

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

The question I get asked lots of times is - why does the narcissist do this to me? What have I ever done? I'm a nice person. I'm gonna get real with you in this episode and explain this in two parts. Let’s dive in.

What You Will Learn in This Episode:

• How we create false reasons for why the narcissist treats us the way they do
• The triangle in Internal Family Systems - True Self, Exile, Protector
• How Exile and Protector parts show up in both narcissist and yourself
• How you become a magnet for a narcissist
• How you can flip the question and ask yourself why you are allowing a narcissist to do that to you

Your power is not trying to change a narcissist, but recognise what it is about you that makes you feel the way that you do and attract people like that into your life. Because when you change that, you change everything.

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

Today we talk about the three stages of our healing process when we are divorcing a narcissist. We go through our priorities in stage one, sorting out the legalities while starting to heal in stage two, and recognising that healing is a lifelong journey in stage three. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• Safety is the first priority when divorcing a narcissist
• The triangle of divorcing - legalities, finances, and children
• How to be gentle with ourselves when we start our healing process
• The pitfalls of thinking of healing as a destination
• Understanding post-traumatic growth and how it affects us

Divorcing a narcissist is tough, especially if you have children. However, if we focus on our safety, on our healing process, and avoid re-traumatising our mind, we can go through it. What we need to do is not beat ourselves up, and create a healthy ecosystem around us to help us heal. 

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

Today I talk about cheating narcissists, the reasons behind cheating, and what it is that narcissists pursue by doing it. We also cover narcissists' strong protective parts, how codependents in a relationship trigger cheating behaviours, and the difference between healthy and narcissistic abusive relationships.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• The reasons behind your partner’s cheating
• The role of self-soothing in cheating behaviours
• What happens when two wounded younger parts meet in a relationship
• How cheating can satisfy the need for narcissistic supply
• Why we need to be mindful and empathetic with those who choose to stay in a cheating relationship

When we are cheated on, we tend to think it is our fault, that we are not good enough, not worthy. But when a narcissistic partner cheats on us, it’s not about us, but about their wounded younger parts, and their need to feel that sense of grandiosity. 

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

Today we’re talking about anxiety and depression, not as mere symptoms that need to be treated, but as parts of us showing up for a certain reason. Let’s ask ourselves - why are we anxious, why are we depressed, why are those parts showing up?

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• Looking at anxiety and depression as trauma responses within our body
• Deb Dana's ladder analogy in the context of narcissistic relationships
• The role of anxiety as the sympathetic trauma response 
• The role of depression in our system state
• How to look at anxiety and depression as parts of ourselves and not identify with them
• The reason why people stay in abusive relationships
• How to understand the intentions of all our parts and welcome them to our system

Once we see anxiety and depression as parts of us reacting to trauma, we will realise that we are not a depressed or anxious individual, but we have parts that are showing up in order to distract us and soothe us from feeling the pain of our younger, wounded part.   

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

Today I want to talk about two words that may conjure up very different concepts to you, and they are narcissism and confidence. We go over what narcissism is, what true confidence is, and how to tell a difference.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• The difference between narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder
• The difficulties with diagnosing someone as a narcissist
• Why we need to be careful when we use the word narcissist
• Why we perceive narcissists as being confident and what lies beneath that confidence
• Internal Family Systems and using Parts theory to understand narcissism
• How to recognise truly confident persons

Because we can’t change narcissists, let’s get back to trying to live as much as possible as your true authentic self, as someone who is curious, calm, connected, courageous, creative, confident, compassionate, and lives with clarity. How much of your life are you living like that?

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

Today we talk about the little signs and the red flags that we must be aware of when we start dating someone new. Even after a traumatic separation, at some point we need to start meeting new people, but we must have ears and eyes open to the signs of narcissistic behavior, so we know what to do if they keep happening.  

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• How we can step out into the dating world after a traumatic experience
• What is "love bombing" and how to detect it
• A key red flag - the narcissist’s lack of empathy
• Gaslighting as the real hallmark of narcissism
• The "I'm not apologizing" story and why narcissists believe they’re never wrong
• The importance of having a positive relationship with yourself

The dating world after a divorce or a breakup can be terrifying. But it's important to remember that being with someone is not always better than being single. So if we decide to take a new chance, we must have our narcissistic radar on point to avoid falling into that trap. 

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

In this episode I’m talking about the addiction to the narcissist in your life, how to deal with it, and the first steps to overcome it. Remember that every addiction serves to stop us from feeling the pain of our wounded younger part, and today we are going to unpack that mechanism. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• Recognizing the difference between knowing you are good enough and feeling like you are not
• How our body gets addicted to not feeling good enough
• How our brain reacts to our biggest perceived pain
• The importance of no contact or extremely modified contact with the narcissist in your life
• Why our brain always reverts to what is familiar even when it’s painful 

In a relationship with a narcissistic person, we are continually trying to prove that we are good enough, and our body gets used to that sensation. Not feeling good enough then becomes familiar, and our brain perceives what's familiar as what's safe, thus ignores the pain we are feeling and perpetuates that cycle. 

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/