Freedom from Attachment

I used to believe I would be found out to be a fake or a phony. That my fatal (invisible) flaw would finally be discovered. It turns out this is not a unique fear. Many people currently feel this, or did feel it at some point in their lives. It’s very common with work, but this podcast focuses on feeling like a fraud with friendships. A lot of us try very hard with our friends: rescuing, fixing, congratulating, consoling, etc. Sometimes it’s very sincere, but other times it’s because we think it’s the “right” thing to do in order to be loved, accepted and labeled as a “good friend.”

This topic was born from a few conversations where I realized we have no guide for keeping friendships going, and for some of us, we lose them even when we try hard to maintain them. Recently one of my clients said, “I don’t know how or why I lose friendships, but I do, and I guess part of me is just used to it.” This wasn’t said from lack of awareness or victimhood; it was said very matter-of-fact. This got me thinking about how many of us have insecurities around friendships, asking “Am I doing enough? Being open enough? Helping out enough?” And, more importantly, “Am I having fun here?”

In the past, I would give the shirt off my back for a friend and still feel it wasn’t enough. I have discovered many others feel the same. In this podcast I dive into how we measure friendship, how self-acceptance plays a big role in how you show up for other people and how you can establish better, more authentic relationships.

I used to believe I would be found out to be a fake or a phony. That my fatal (invisible) flaw would finally be discovered. It turns out this is not a unique fear. Many people currently feel this, or did feel it at some point in their lives. It’s very common with work, but this podcast focuses on feeling like a fraud with friendships. A lot of us try very hard with our friends: rescuing, fixing, congratulating, consoling, etc. Sometimes it’s very sincere, but other times it’s because we think it’s the “right” thing to do in order to be loved, accepted and labeled as a “good friend.”

This topic was born from a few conversations where I realized we have no guide for keeping friendships going, and for some of us, we lose them even when we try hard to maintain them. Recently one of my clients said, “I don’t know how or why I lose friendships, but I do, and I guess part of me is just used to it.” This wasn’t said from lack of awareness or victimhood; it was said very matter-of-fact. This got me thinking about how many of us have insecurities around friendships, asking “Am I doing enough? Being open enough? Helping out enough?” And, more importantly, “Am I having fun here?”

In the past, I would give the shirt off my back for a friend and still feel it wasn’t enough. I have discovered many others feel the same. In this podcast I dive into how we measure friendship, how self-acceptance plays a big role in how you show up for other people and how you can establish better, more authentic relationships.

I used to believe I would be found out to be a fake or a phony. That my fatal (invisible) flaw would finally be discovered. It turns out this is not a unique fear. Many people currently feel this, or did feel it at some point in their lives. It’s very common with work, but this podcast focuses on feeling like a fraud with friendships. A lot of us try very hard with our friends: rescuing, fixing, congratulating, consoling, etc. Sometimes it’s very sincere, but other times it’s because we think it’s the “right” thing to do in order to be loved, accepted and labeled as a “good friend.”

This topic was born from a few conversations where I realized we have no guide for keeping friendships going, and for some of us, we lose them even when we try hard to maintain them. Recently one of my clients said, “I don’t know how or why I lose friendships, but I do, and I guess part of me is just used to it.” This wasn’t said from lack of awareness or victimhood; it was said very matter-of-fact. This got me thinking about how many of us have insecurities around friendships, asking “Am I doing enough? Being open enough? Helping out enough?” And, more importantly, “Am I having fun here?”

In the past, I would give the shirt off my back for a friend and still feel it wasn’t enough. I have discovered many others feel the same. In this podcast I dive into how we measure friendship, how self-acceptance plays a big role in how you show up for other people and how you can establish better, more authentic relationships.

I used to believe I would be found out to be a fake or a phony. That my fatal (invisible) flaw would finally be discovered. It turns out this is not a unique fear. Many people currently feel this, or did feel it at some point in their lives. It’s very common with work, but this podcast focuses on feeling like a fraud with friendships. A lot of us try very hard with our friends: rescuing, fixing, congratulating, consoling, etc. Sometimes it’s very sincere, but other times it’s because we think it’s the “right” thing to do in order to be loved, accepted and labeled as a “good friend.”

This topic was born from a few conversations where I realized we have no guide for keeping friendships going, and for some of us, we lose them even when we try hard to maintain them. Recently one of my clients said, “I don’t know how or why I lose friendships, but I do, and I guess part of me is just used to it.” This wasn’t said from lack of awareness or victimhood; it was said very matter-of-fact. This got me thinking about how many of us have insecurities around friendships, asking “Am I doing enough? Being open enough? Helping out enough?” And, more importantly, “Am I having fun here?”

In the past, I would give the shirt off my back for a friend and still feel it wasn’t enough. I have discovered many others feel the same. In this podcast I dive into how we measure friendship, how self-acceptance plays a big role in how you show up for other people and how you can establish better, more authentic relationships.

When I look back at my attached relationships, almost everything I did was from a place of teaching. Since I never felt I had value or deserved a healthy relationship, I overcompensated by putting myself in a position of power and superiority (though I never would have admitted it). Whenever my man acted in a way I didn’t like, I’d teach him the “right way” and punish him by ignoring him or explaining what he needed to change. The message was clear: Act right and treat me properly or suffer! Yep, I was that person. I wish I could say I was focusing on my own growth and well-being back then (these were all perfect opportunities for that), but it was more about HIM and correcting his perceived shortcomings. I definitely wasn’t looking in the mirror. I didn’t know there was a difference in showing him how to treat me by embodying those values and treating myself that way vs. chastising his cluelessness.

If I say I want my partner to be kind, I have to practice kindness with myself. It’s a completely different focus than being stuck in attachment where what we want and what we believe we can have are miles apart. Instead of working on ourselves, we try to bridge that gap by teaching the other person… which always fails miserably. Learn how to shift that focus inward and stop playing teacher. You won’t believe the emotional freedom that results.

When I look back at my attached relationships, almost everything I did was from a place of teaching. Since I never felt I had value or deserved a healthy relationship, I overcompensated by putting myself in a position of power and superiority (though I never would have admitted it). Whenever my man acted in a way I didn’t like, I’d teach him the “right way” and punish him by ignoring him or explaining what he needed to change. The message was clear: Act right and treat me properly or suffer! Yep, I was that person. I wish I could say I was focusing on my own growth and well-being back then (these were all perfect opportunities for that), but it was more about HIM and correcting his perceived shortcomings. I definitely wasn’t looking in the mirror. I didn’t know there was a difference in showing him how to treat me by embodying those values and treating myself that way vs. chastising his cluelessness.

If I say I want my partner to be kind, I have to practice kindness with myself. It’s a completely different focus than being stuck in attachment where what we want and what we believe we can have are miles apart. Instead of working on ourselves, we try to bridge that gap by teaching the other person… which always fails miserably. Learn how to shift that focus inward and stop playing teacher. You won’t believe the emotional freedom that results.

When I look back at my attached relationships, almost everything I did was from a place of teaching. Since I never felt I had value or deserved a healthy relationship, I overcompensated by putting myself in a position of power and superiority (though I never would have admitted it). Whenever my man acted in a way I didn’t like, I’d teach him the “right way” and punish him by ignoring him or explaining what he needed to change. The message was clear: Act right and treat me properly or suffer! Yep, I was that person. I wish I could say I was focusing on my own growth and well-being back then (these were all perfect opportunities for that), but it was more about HIM and correcting his perceived shortcomings. I definitely wasn’t looking in the mirror. I didn’t know there was a difference in showing him how to treat me by embodying those values and treating myself that way vs. chastising his cluelessness.

If I say I want my partner to be kind, I have to practice kindness with myself. It’s a completely different focus than being stuck in attachment where what we want and what we believe we can have are miles apart. Instead of working on ourselves, we try to bridge that gap by teaching the other person… which always fails miserably. Learn how to shift that focus inward and stop playing teacher. You won’t believe the emotional freedom that results.

When I look back at my attached relationships, almost everything I did was from a place of teaching. Since I never felt I had value or deserved a healthy relationship, I overcompensated by putting myself in a position of power and superiority (though I never would have admitted it). Whenever my man acted in a way I didn’t like, I’d teach him the “right way” and punish him by ignoring him or explaining what he needed to change. The message was clear: Act right and treat me properly or suffer! Yep, I was that person. I wish I could say I was focusing on my own growth and well-being back then (these were all perfect opportunities for that), but it was more about HIM and correcting his perceived shortcomings. I definitely wasn’t looking in the mirror. I didn’t know there was a difference in showing him how to treat me by embodying those values and treating myself that way vs. chastising his cluelessness.

If I say I want my partner to be kind, I have to practice kindness with myself. It’s a completely different focus than being stuck in attachment where what we want and what we believe we can have are miles apart. Instead of working on ourselves, we try to bridge that gap by teaching the other person… which always fails miserably. Learn how to shift that focus inward and stop playing teacher. You won’t believe the emotional freedom that results.

Do you have a rubber band or yo-yo in our life? You know, that person who made a dramatic exit only to make a re-entry… bringing those old feelings you thought were dead back to the surface? Part of you cannot believe he/she is back in your life, whether it was someone you couldn’t get over or someone you THOUGHT you were over until they swatted at your hornet’s nest of emotions.

One of the biggest challenges of these “back again” relationships is not giving all of your power to the other person. It’s so easy to slip backwards into the familiar tango, especially when that eruption of old feelings appears beyond your control. Gaining control of yourself is NOT mental, however. It comes from emotional growth; from dealing with your old (even from childhood) pain that evolved into a belief system which, as an adult, can lead to someone else exerting “special powers” over you. This can even happen when you’re already engaged in another relationship—I’ve seen it happen many times.

In order to let go and not get swallowed up, you must allow the feelings inside you to be what they are. Accept them. Surrender. Then it will be an act of creativity—feeling what you feel (not resisting) and refocusing on love rather than attachment. You have to go through the mental constructs that keep this relationship alive in the old way; then find yourself by getting vulnerable. Feel what you’re afraid to feel. Only then will you set yourself free. It can be the path toward allowing real love into your life… perhaps for the first time in your adult life.

Do you have a rubber band or yo-yo in our life? You know, that person who made a dramatic exit only to make a re-entry… bringing those old feelings you thought were dead back to the surface? Part of you cannot believe he/she is back in your life, whether it was someone you couldn’t get over or someone you THOUGHT you were over until they swatted at your hornet’s nest of emotions.

One of the biggest challenges of these “back again” relationships is not giving all of your power to the other person. It’s so easy to slip backwards into the familiar tango, especially when that eruption of old feelings appears beyond your control. Gaining control of yourself is NOT mental, however. It comes from emotional growth; from dealing with your old (even from childhood) pain that evolved into a belief system which, as an adult, can lead to someone else exerting “special powers” over you. This can even happen when you’re already engaged in another relationship—I’ve seen it happen many times.

In order to let go and not get swallowed up, you must allow the feelings inside you to be what they are. Accept them. Surrender. Then it will be an act of creativity—feeling what you feel (not resisting) and refocusing on love rather than attachment. You have to go through the mental constructs that keep this relationship alive in the old way; then find yourself by getting vulnerable. Feel what you’re afraid to feel. Only then will you set yourself free. It can be the path toward allowing real love into your life… perhaps for the first time in your adult life.